Because we crave for certainty all the time, we tend to exercise control over anything and everything to make it certain. If things are certain, then they are secure, and if they are secure, everything is safe. As a result, sometimes, we end up trying to show control of the things or people that we love.
But sometimes, the controlling nature does not stem from the anxiety of losing the loved one. It stems from the anxiety of being alone, of being abandoned, of seeing a parental pattern repeating itself (say a divorce or a separation).
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But controlling partners can ruin a relationship and drive someone crazy. So here are few ways to deal with them.
Stay calm instead of being defensive
The most easily available tool that a controlling partner will use is aggression (sometimes coupled with criticism). It is important to understand that those who constantly want to micromanage and control are people who feel and believe that they are being controlled.
Or they feel unsafe about the fact things are not in their control.
They are insecure and stuck at a younger age where they must have felt unsafe because they didn’t have control over someone or of the situation (it could even be an abusive parent for all that we know).
But responding with aggression is never going to help. They will never the point because internally and subconsciously they will feel more unsafe and hence would try to exercise more control with anger and domination. It is important to understand that their story of control didn’t start with you, and stay calm, no matter what.
Ask open-ended questions
Instead of telling them directly that they are dominating and controlling, ask them what happens when you don’t do certain things that they’d want you to do when you don’t get their perspective when someone else is thought to be right instead of them. Ask them, how do they feel?
Unfortunately, people hardly realise that they are controlling. For them, it’s only a coping mechanism.
It is important to know what is their worst fear if people don’t do/behave/live according to how they want when the world doesn’t move according to how they want. By doing this you will actually help them, by making them aware of the root of their issue. This will help them to introspect and maybe bring about a change in themselves.
